Suffer.
A soul in solitude, watched only by absence, is better left unseen than pitied by those who pretend to care, letting me suffer alone. And who would I be to welcome their friendship, when they never saw me change?The alertness of pain aches me more than the ache of pain when it stole my alertness. Am I weaker now, or was I once so devoted in my weakness that I could no longer feel a part of it?When you think of help, you may think of guidance, support, and love. But what I found instead was distrust and disgust, which tarnished my thoughts.Even once hearing your very pains, so close to mine, I thought for a moment that this you could understand. But betrayed I was, when not even you did ask or felt to reconnect or to reflect, instead chose to deflect on the last chance we had left.So here I sit, wondering whether to ignore ignorance or forgive forgiveness, if they were ever to reach out. Should I pretend to be someone else, or let them believe they're connecting with the person they once knew?Would I dare be true to myself, or face the truth that who I am was never mine to choose?An emptiness of pain fills my lonely chambers, untroubled by the silence from afar. My troubled thoughts speak the words that others will not.Do you think they can listen to their own thoughts? Preserved, present, and ill....corrupted, distraught. Fuming, their spinal fluid burning; embellished bellies full with hunger and boiling blood.Same scars as deep as mine, cut fresh on flesh and bone; I thought they'd know the pain as I know mine, and through my pain alone, I too to know of theirs.But the veil of time and distance stretches far beyond the light that gives us warmth and life, cloaked beneath our own disguise....never left to understand what, and why, or who am I.For the absence that watches me is best left unseen; it gifts me hope, and freedom, and pains worth caring about. For to care for our pains is to give purpose to our suffering.
And Seen.
In the chasm of cosmic nothingness comes a time when we all must move out of our comfort zone. Maybe it’s a day in the park, or a night out with friends—whatever the space may be, it’s a chance to free ourselves from the boredom and mundaneness of life. Perhaps it’s because we’ve lost interest in the things we like, or our health prevents us from searching outwardly. Sometimes it may not be upon us, but the pressures of our mentors and leaders to become something we’re not. To live under the shadows cast by those who perhaps know more than us, and even in the disappointment in self, maybe a day is out there to be different.A day to explore something else or to be someone else. To fit into the category moulded by those who want the best of us, or simply to fit like the rest of them. And even in solitude of self-appreciation, our walls collapse in the pursuit of freedom.A day to remember, and a day to transcend into peace like the fog that enters gently into a forgotten town. That day when we can be someone else and try something new, to see how it feels to be different for once. The very anchor that has kept us like this for eternity.And perhaps on this day, I shall look at myself and be happy. I shall stand firmly on the ground and shout my name into the chasms of reality, and hear my echo as the lasting voice that comforts me. Maybe one final day to polish my shoes and iron my suit, as a last day to represent myself.And in the anger and pursuit over a race that’s already ended, my name is called by a voice that hosts my departure.For this day I have purpose; I have a chance to make a choice. And yet in the mirrorless surroundings of the image of myself, I see not a deal to make but a final chance to be myself.And myself I see in reflection, and whose energy matched mine, and I knew in that immediate moment they were one of me.And we danced and soared high into the skies, myself still tethered to the carbon down below that compressed me into the shape they wanted me to be. For if I had become the diamond they wanted me to be, I could not have floated into space to shine above them all.Though I needed to take careful steps to protect the walls that I rebuild on this day, my last day in space.And in companion of thought, my existence is brighter than it has ever been.For I feel noticed, I feel loved, I feel seen.